Nullification surgery – 4 months in

It’s been a little over 4 months since I had my nullification surgery, so I’ve gotten a better sense of my thoughts and feelings on this surgery. Overall I’m extremely happy with this surgery, I’ve fantasized about it for years and it’s unreal I get to see myself without a penis every time I undress. Although there are some things I don’t love about it, which I’ll touch on.

The Good

This surgery really slaps, it’s so cool. On occasion I will, out of habit, attempt to point my penis down to pee and suddenly remember that I don’t have a penis, and it just really makes me smile. It is so fun seeing myself naked and liking the look of my entire body, especially my nulge (that’s what I call it, let me know if you have any better suggestions). In general it just looks really nice aesthetically; I’ve always liked the look of nullification scars. I like the symmetry of the scar and how smooth and unobtrusive nullification is in general. It’s nice sticking my hand down my pants and feeling like there’s nothing there. And this surgery has just done wonders for my dysphoria. I didn’t think my dysphoria was that bad before, but after getting this surgery I realized just how big of a burden it was. My bottom dysphoria wasn’t always terrible, but it was a daily annoyance that I constantly had to try and avoid or manage—and now it’s just gone.

Getting this surgery was a huge obsession of mine for the last two years—there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about it. It was really hard waiting so long for this surgery, so to cope I kinda just went overboard with researching things. I had a org mode journal for this surgery where I’d write down my thoughts and use it for my research and planning. By the time I had this surgery it was 20 thousand words long. There was a ton of planning that went into this surgery, apparently I sent 79 emails to the Crane Center throughout the course of having this surgery. And despite having OHIP pay for my surgery, there were still some significant expenses; it was expensive to fly myself and my caretaker to the US and spend a week and a half in a hotel there getting takeout constantly. Plus there was all the headache of trying to get this surgery out of pocket when I had gotten tired of waiting for OHIP to cover it. I did put down a $1000 deposit that I won’t get back. Having this surgery is a big weight off my shoulders, no more obsessing over getting this surgery or worrying about surgery planning; I just get to live my life now.

This surgery is also just kinda handy, there’s a lot of nice perks to it. It makes clothing a lot easier: no more worrying about tucking, no more ugly swimsuits, no more buying tucking tape, no more expensive gaffs, no more worrying when wearing tight pants. It felt so nice to throw my tucking underwear in the trash; it was getting to be too much. And now I don’t have to deal with guys who are into me because of my penis, sure it makes dating harder but it was insanely off putting when guys liked my dick. It was challenging to find someone who is okay with dating someone with a dick while also not being too into it, or at least would pretend not to be into it. Now I can just look for guys who are into my entire body, although I have not found that yet. At least it makes masturbation a lot better. For a while I couldn’t orgasm after my surgery, but I was kinda okay with that. Masturbation still felt amazing even if I couldn’t cum, it was nice to masturbate without trying my hardest to disassociate from my genitals. But after exactly 3 months I did manage to orgasm, and oh my god, it feels good—somehow it just feels so much more intense now. Like my orgasms last so long now. It is definitely harder to get off now, but it’s not too hard with my trusty vibrator.

The Bad

I want to preface this by saying I don’t regret my surgery at all and I’m extremely happy about it. For the most part the bad stuff is just kinda annoying, but worth mentioning. One obvious downside of this surgery is that it’s a fairly major surgery, so you will have to deal with major surgery things. If you want to hear more about that experience, read my blog post here. One part of recovery I don’t think I mentioned in my first post is that I bled for a lot longer than I expected; it was probably about 3.5 months until I completely stopped bleeding. Although the bleeding was pretty minor later on, just a bit disconcerting. My main issue with my surgical results has to do with my urethra—I feel like in general the urethra is hard to get right and look good for this surgery. This might be hard to explain because I don’t really want to post pictures of my genitals on my blog, but I have a bit of tissue around my urethra. When my legs are together, things just look smooth and normal because my urethra is kinda covered. But when I spread my legs apart, things kinda unfurl, and this bit of tissue sticks out from the right side of my urethra. The tissue is probably about 1 cm at its maximum size. It might have practical benefits, my urethra is pretty well covered when my legs are closed, so I think that makes it harder to get UTIs. But also I don’t like how it looks aesthetically, and it can make peeing difficult. Sometimes when I pee, some of it shoots out the side of the bowl and gets on the floor, which is annoying. I’ve heard of other people who had nullification who got a revision due to “unhygienic urination”, so I might need a revision eventually. I’ll wait until I talk to my surgeon at the 6 month mark to think about it more. Also there is a bit of erectile tissue around my urethra that sticks out a bit when I’m aroused. My surgeon said this wouldn’t happen, but I still expected it because it’s very common among nullos. It’s not really noticeable unless you look at it from specific angles or feel it. I don’t mind it much, and I get a bit of sexual sensation from it, so it’s hard to say that it’s really bad.